to my daughter...

this outpouring can be attributed to (at least) two events:
1. watching tom cruise attempt poetic beauty in "cocktail" far too many times
2. reading the thoughts of a friend i am privileged to know (anonymity prevails so that
a)this amazing person's vulnerability will be protected and
b)this amazing person's ego will be contained)

therefore, the following is a letter to my 'yet to be born' daughter.....

you are my treasure. it's unfathomable that i could be entrusted with the life of another person, moreover a person who has half of my genetic make-up. if you are reading this (or possibly i am reading it to you), it means that God has answered a lifelong prayer. i couldn't love you more. i couldn't desire to protect you more. i couldn't be more honored to live the role as your mother.

i can promise you......
love regardless of your choices
protection until we are separated by death
earnest requests on your behalf to Him who is able to keep you in perfect peace
support in your endeavors
encouragement in your triumphs and failures

i can guarantee.....
you will see flaws in my character
you will witness my poor choices
you will be frustrated with my decisions for you
you will view me as antiquated and unfair

i wish i could tell you that i'll be with you to witness you grow up; to see you experience high school. dating. graduation. college. career. to laugh about stupid elementary boys. to cry over high school boys. to over-analyze college boys (yes, they are to a high degree still 'boys'). i want so badly to watch you achieve your goals. to be at your wedding. to walk you through pregnancy and parenthood. to experience these events with a mother; this is the thing i desire most strongly for you. if we are separated prematurely, i trust that the Father will provide godly women to influence and walk this life with you. for so long i've felt cheated becuase i didn't have a mother, but at the same time i've seen God's hand of protection in the women He has allowed me to know and learn from (btw-don't end a sentance with a preposition).

i'm sorry that i've lived selfishly thus far. i didn't think of you when i gave too much of myself to him. i didn't think of you when i decided that male attention could suffice for real relationship. i didn't think of you when i chose good enough instead of truly good. i'm enormously grateful for the redemption and grace that have overcome the foolish choices i've made and continue to make. these past experiences have enabled me in adulthood to connect with girls in the midst of frighteningly similar situations. i beg the Lord that you are not faced with these same crossroads, but if so i also pray that you trust the discernment that comes from Him.

today i live in the dream that one day you will be mine. i won't live flawlessly before or while you are with me. i will, however, strive to be a teachable child of Him who calls us to holiness

i love you more than immensely

_photo journal

_keep watch over the door of my lips...Ps 141

_wait

_so we fix our eyes....

_and let us run...Heb 12

_find rest

_there is a season...Ecc 3

_sight is veiled...... _one day we will see clearly.....

Resolve

I resolve....not to be so trusting
I resolve....not to be so dumb
I resolve....not to blame the others just because I'm an easy mark

it's an obscure song, but in my life it speaks some truth

pathetic- how i trust too much and too many. i believe people are honest with me; i get hurt. i become too vulnerable; again, hurt. what a sad commentary on human nature (both mine and others). this then ties to the fact that i am in some ways dumb in the sense that i let the same pattern happen repeatedly.

i don't want to stop believing the validity of others' words. i don't want to assume they won't keep my confidence. i don't want to keep from deeply communicating.

Blessed be the LORD God of Israel; for He hath hath visited and redeemed His people. And hath raised up a horn of salvation for us in the house of His servant David. (Lk 1)

and here is a thought-i am not trustworthy either

God extends grace....and extends grace.....and extends grace......

i fail Him....and fail Him.....and fail Him

i read tuesday that 'no one could hurt God more than we already have'. i tend to think that my sin has levels of offense. sin in my mind or body may not affect others, and therefore in my warped thought i convince myself they aren't as painful to God.

i am in the midst or realizing that God may not find me trustworthy; yet, He continues to pursue me.

i love this photo because i can place myself in either role, small or large. today i'm little, and He is huge. sometimes i think the smaller hand is the one that won't let go-the one clinging with every ounce of being. now i realize the one finger is strong enough to keep the hand in place. neither one is letting go

the fluidity of home...

just got back from what has turned into an annual trip to Mexico. Many things were different the second time around-and some situations remained. The poverty. The sacrificial living. The joy amidst what we consider unlivable situations.
I hurt coming home
I return to comfortable surroundings-they stay there
I return to a clean home-it rains in their bedrooms
I eat when I'm hungry-they eat when they have food
I complain when I'm inconvenienced-they live a joyfully inconvenienced life

I hurt in my human-ness
it won't be long until I rarely think about and even forget that their lives continue in the same manner whether I am with them or not.

has God protected me or them?
I know I am weak. Is it possible that He allows me to live here becuase I wouldn't trust Him there? because my faith would shatter? because I wouldn't have joy?

where is home?
it's such a fluid concept to me in the last year-home. Do I stay? Move? USA? Abroad? Home won't solidify itself until I realize and live in the knowledge that home is not here. Home won't be here. Is it even possible to understand that while you're alive, or does the thought establish itself as you come to the end of human existence? One of multiple questions I wish I could ask Mom.