the last word...

You need to know this about me; MY TEAM ALWAYS WINS. I have to. I'm a failure if I don't. Not only do I have to win every competition, I must win every conversation. This is something I hate about myself. There is this uncontrollable need to have the last word. the final say. the clincher. Why can't I just let things lie? What is wrong with me?!
I didn't really notice it about myself until college. My roommate put up with it for years...still does as a matter of fact. Apparently this unquenchable deisre to be right crosses the boundaries of phone lines and email. She was compassionate with me and let me give the last word much more often than she should have.
This summer I met a girl with the same disease.
It is true that the things that bother you the most about someone else are usually the same things that describe you as well. On a 8 day road trip, I lost the final say to Erin more times than I can count. It took me about 2 hours to realize that I wasn't going to win much, so I tried to bite my lip. I'm not speaking figuratively; there were bite marks. By the third day, I couldn't hold it in any longer; I had to be heard! Even when I exploded out my definitive statements, she'd come back at me with more. This girl was not going to give in. Consequently, my life was completely altered as a result of this trip. Sounds overly dramatic, but very true.
Having the last word is not limited to topics of which I am knowledgeable. I have an extremely embarrassing habit of talking about things I am utterly ignorant about, but acting as though I've written the book on the topic.
For instance, I may be able to convince you that I know multitudes about photography and that I'm quite talented.

I can tell you the little that I know about photography in a way that convinces you I'm an expert. The embarrassment comes when I'm fluanting my ignorance to someone who actually knows something about photography.

The one with the actual knowledge then has options:

1. show compassion to the ignoramous and let it slide 2. quietly and kindly correct the inaccuracies of the ignoramous 3. loudly and proudly correct the enormous mistakes of the ignoramous while showing off own skills

sidenote: the photo scenario has not happened between my brother and I, but he would have chosen option 1

How many times does this same type of situation have to occur for me to SHUT UP!?

Your beauty should be that of your inner self, the unfadig beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in god's sight. I Pet 3:5

A fool's mouth lashes out with pride--------The tongue has the power of life and death------Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity---------Do not exalt yourself in the king's presence

Closest Thing to Heaven

I hear someone mention it and my breath catches.
I meet a native and my hands shake.
I see it on TV and I yell from excitement.
I feel it under my feet and it's the yellow brick road.

I HEART NY

It's 'Superbia'. It is to some adults what Disney World is to all kids. There's something in the air, in the traffic, in the overpriced food (except for the coffee and muffin I got for $1.75- thank you very much!); it's magic.

You can tell a New Yorker on the street by the way his mouth does not gape open, his extremely fast pace, and the bluetooth on his ear. He's on a mission: get where I'm going with the least amount of resistance. Does this guy have any idea where he is?! This is the most riveting, thrilling, pulse racing place he could ever be;

THIS IS MANHATTAN!

Lately I find myself so incredibly busy that I'm flying through the day (and even the week) just trying to get from A to B with the least amount of 'resistance'(the shortest distance between two points is a straight line). It's almost like I'm rushing through so I can get back to New York. I wonder if Heaven is like New York City?

What if Heaven makes our pulse race? breath catch? hands shake? Right now I feel like there can be nothing better than my favorite place. Someday I'll stand corrected...if I can even stand (Heaven might make your knees buckle!)

5 month hiatus

if anyone is actually still reading this after I've neglected it for 5 months (Hi Kerri).... you must be a very dedicated person with nothing to do!

I'm getting headshots taken this week, thanks to my professional actress/model friend Lauren. The assignment was to get pictures of 10 emotions and expressions that we have to imitate in our own photos. Almost all of the photos I've chosen are of Idina Menzel. Not only does she take tremendous photos, but there are so many things that I think are phenominal about her: talent as an actress, voice (oh my word), the way she presents herself during interviews, etc.

I want to live her life- she was in WICKED for crying out loud! She has a Tony. She lives in NEW YORK CITY. She gets to wake up every day and do something with extreme passion.

The closest I can come to being Idina Menzel is to mimic her expression in photographs. That's probably all right. Here's where I shoot myself in the foot: wanting to emulate her has made me an idolator.

Today I want to be an attractive, talented, and successful performer. If I could be those three things, I would be happy.....that thought runs through my head constantly. It's seemingly harmless, but when I think that, oh I don't know, about 47 times every day what I'm really saying is that I need something other than salvation and grace to feel content and complete. So now I've identified the problem; solving it is another story.

Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.....I always connect that with thoughts that are hyper-sinful; things like jealousy, anger, resentment...I didn't realized that it has to do with thoughts that are in some respects innocent. This means that every time I evaluate and scrutinize my appearance today wishing I looked differently, I should be taking that thought captive. It's going to be a long day.