_light or Light

this may be my favorite photo from my spring break road trip. oddly, i it was the last one i took (during a 10 hour drive filled with phone conversations and very obnoxious show tune singing). i almost forgot about it.

i love it that there are two light sources in this photo.

the one behind...

_is close

_is understandable

_is familiar

BUT IT IS BEHIND. SMALL. DIM.

the one before...

_is far away

_is hard to understand

_is not duplicated

BUT IT IS BEFORE. HUGE. BRIGHT.

...by his LIGHT I walked through darkness!

...that I may walk before God in the LIGHT of life.

...The people walking in darkness have seen a great LIGHT on those living in the land of deep darkness a LIGHT has dawned

...But if we walk in the LIGHT, as he is in the LIGHT, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

setting it straight...

dear family, friends, and lakewood park (yes, the entire 'park'),
there are things to say...

YES
_i have a tattoo
_it hurt a little
_it will still be there when i'm 80 years old

NO
_i am not the first LPCS teacher to have one (in fact, mine is far less visible than theirs)
_it is not a tattoo of an animal
_it is not on my back, wrist, or ankle

ODDLY ENOUGH
_it has spiritual/biblical significance
_it is written in a foreign language
_i have close to 50 photos from the experience (my cousin went a tad overboard!)
_i won't post them

winter wonderwhat?

it started snowing at 3:30am yesterday morning. school has been cancelled the last two days, and there is a delay called for tomorrow. at times like this, i love my job...i love the midwest...i love dekalb county!

_2 day house arrest

_snow has risen to the 3rd floor window

_glad i don't live down here

_annabelle amid the drift

_snow snow snow

_piled high

_to the sky

_so high you can't even see menard's behind it

_if it stops, life will have to resume

_monday oddities

last night was strange, unique, odd. *i used to spell odd 'ood'. it made sense to us. by 'us' i mean the two of us who understood it. anyway....* here is somewhat of a rundown of yesterday's experiences.

_i was at my regular tea shop (can't call it a coffee shop...i don't drink the coffee there....i don't like it....shhh) grading papers. two students from the same class wrote two extreme journals. i'd asked which of five qualities were most important in a musician: talent, desire, practice, environment, encouragement. the first student chose practice. he went through the expected jargon of why practice makes perfect (like i hadn't read that 30 times already...) but then said this, "Miss Longbrake never needs to practice. She never messes up. She's perfect." sweet yes, but delusional! the journal i read immediately after had a different flavor (not flavorful-calm down joel). this student had been disrespectful to me early on in the class period, and i had to confront him. his journal stated that encouragement was the most important quality in a musician. he went on to say that no student will ever feel encouraged if YOU keep treating him like this. this was a journal of hostility! apparently this kid thought that the consequence to his behavior was discouraging, as if i should have thanked him for treating me like crap and asked him to do it again! oh the glories of elementary teaching!

_to top off the 'lousy teacher' feeling, the guy next to me at the tea shop told me i wasn't a real teacher. OH NO NO NO! i might have hit him, but i know him; he could snap me like a chicken!

_my life is a musical. i sing from the time i get up until i reach unconsciousness. if i'm not singing out loud, i'm singing in my head. i'm a music nerd- and proud to be! because i live in an apartment, i'm not too comfortable singing at home; i don't want to bother anyone. i sing at school all day, but not in my genre of choice (except when practicing la boheme with mrs. shirey...that's fun). this leaves me with driving. i sing every time i'm in the car-full voice. there's no other way. i often forget that my windows aren't tinted to the outside world, or that my car is not soundproof (more of an issue in summer). so last night while driving down maplecrest, i was singing a duet (all by myself-yes, i'm that talented) and forgetting that i was at a stoplight. i glance to the left and two people are laughing at me. i can deal with that-strangers laughing? not a problem...until i looked over at them again. they are two pseudo friends from church, waving and laughing. eh it's ok-they're moving to uganda soon anyway.

_the reason i was driving down maplecrest was to go to my beloved target. i had bought a skirt last week, brought it home, and realized that they hadn't charged me for it. why didn't the super tall female cop stop me? or what about the giant plastic sensor stuff? just for show? in my mind (in a musical version, of course) i had plotted how the encounter would play out: i'd walk up to the returns counter and explain that i hadn't been charged for this skirt. the employee would thank me profusely and praise my integrity, let me keep the skirt for free, give me target credit for life, ask me to be her best friend, throw a party in my honor (song & dance included), and make me the queen of targetland. instead: she scanned the tag, told me the cost, gave me change, and told me to have a good evening, as if this kind of honesty happens every day!

_i stayed up to watch the snow start to fall, mostly because i wanted to rest easy knowing there was a strong possibility for school cancellation. it didn't start until 3:30am; good thing we cancelled school. i wouldn't have been teacher of the year, for sure. BUT I AM A REAL TEACHER! (capitalization directed at YOU-you know who you are. i won't trivialize this with names...)

_God's Juice

beverage is a battlefield. pat benatar said 'love is a battlefield'; she may be correct. i confidently say that beverage is also a battlefield. every morning i rush around the house like the squirrel from that 'shrub' movie just so that i can get drive thru coffee on my way to auburn (which i refer to as au-where is it? it's small...very small). my efficiency in the morning determines which coffee establishment has the pleasure of my business. HG is a shorter drive, but i crave starbucks. i'd even go as far to say that my palate yearns for a tall nonfat mocha....ahhhhhhh.

i confess sheepishly that
1-neither coffee shop is on my way to school. really, what is 'my way'? can't 'my way' be the route down dupont to the corner of lima (and back again-it's like a giant roundabout. let's pretend we're in the UK!)
2-i have all the makings for my 'holy water' in my kitchen, so i really could save the trip (and yes, the money as well) yet, i can't control my need to feel like a kid at christmas as i pull up to the drive thru window!

this is all to preface the fact that i love coffee AND that i prefer one coffee house flavor to another.
now things get tricky. auburn has now reached the status of 'legitimate city' (i'm still playing it fast and loose with that word). auburn now comes with a starbucks. it's all the rage; i'm confident that pretty soon all of manhattan will be abuzz! normally the need to choose between two starbucks would keep me in utter turmoil all night (i'm not too good with 'the options')......enter brew daily.

i started going to brew daily when i realized that no one really knew me there. i had total anonymity; i could read, pick my nose, wherever the wind blew....freedom! it was also beneficial that friends of mine own it. one slight problem though-i don't really care for the coffee. i never thought i'd become a coffee snob-what the junk is that about? look again at the above photo: the cup on the left has a tea bag laced down the side. i have now become a tea drinker; that is so 'old lady' or 'anyone british'. as for the anonymity...over. i realize that once your appearances become more frequent, the strangers that were there yesterday are not strangers today. the kid behind the counter starts boiling the water before i get up to the register. today i did throw him for a loop-i switched tea flavors. watch out BD-no more boring predictable me (only when it comes to tea)

as for the auburn starbucks, i haven't made an appearance. i don't think i want to. i am devoted to the establishment where they boil the best water, open my teabag, and where 'everybody knows my name'

to my daughter...

this outpouring can be attributed to (at least) two events:
1. watching tom cruise attempt poetic beauty in "cocktail" far too many times
2. reading the thoughts of a friend i am privileged to know (anonymity prevails so that
a)this amazing person's vulnerability will be protected and
b)this amazing person's ego will be contained)

therefore, the following is a letter to my 'yet to be born' daughter.....

you are my treasure. it's unfathomable that i could be entrusted with the life of another person, moreover a person who has half of my genetic make-up. if you are reading this (or possibly i am reading it to you), it means that God has answered a lifelong prayer. i couldn't love you more. i couldn't desire to protect you more. i couldn't be more honored to live the role as your mother.

i can promise you......
love regardless of your choices
protection until we are separated by death
earnest requests on your behalf to Him who is able to keep you in perfect peace
support in your endeavors
encouragement in your triumphs and failures

i can guarantee.....
you will see flaws in my character
you will witness my poor choices
you will be frustrated with my decisions for you
you will view me as antiquated and unfair

i wish i could tell you that i'll be with you to witness you grow up; to see you experience high school. dating. graduation. college. career. to laugh about stupid elementary boys. to cry over high school boys. to over-analyze college boys (yes, they are to a high degree still 'boys'). i want so badly to watch you achieve your goals. to be at your wedding. to walk you through pregnancy and parenthood. to experience these events with a mother; this is the thing i desire most strongly for you. if we are separated prematurely, i trust that the Father will provide godly women to influence and walk this life with you. for so long i've felt cheated becuase i didn't have a mother, but at the same time i've seen God's hand of protection in the women He has allowed me to know and learn from (btw-don't end a sentance with a preposition).

i'm sorry that i've lived selfishly thus far. i didn't think of you when i gave too much of myself to him. i didn't think of you when i decided that male attention could suffice for real relationship. i didn't think of you when i chose good enough instead of truly good. i'm enormously grateful for the redemption and grace that have overcome the foolish choices i've made and continue to make. these past experiences have enabled me in adulthood to connect with girls in the midst of frighteningly similar situations. i beg the Lord that you are not faced with these same crossroads, but if so i also pray that you trust the discernment that comes from Him.

today i live in the dream that one day you will be mine. i won't live flawlessly before or while you are with me. i will, however, strive to be a teachable child of Him who calls us to holiness

i love you more than immensely

_photo journal

_keep watch over the door of my lips...Ps 141

_wait

_so we fix our eyes....

_and let us run...Heb 12

_find rest

_there is a season...Ecc 3

_sight is veiled...... _one day we will see clearly.....

Resolve

I resolve....not to be so trusting
I resolve....not to be so dumb
I resolve....not to blame the others just because I'm an easy mark

it's an obscure song, but in my life it speaks some truth

pathetic- how i trust too much and too many. i believe people are honest with me; i get hurt. i become too vulnerable; again, hurt. what a sad commentary on human nature (both mine and others). this then ties to the fact that i am in some ways dumb in the sense that i let the same pattern happen repeatedly.

i don't want to stop believing the validity of others' words. i don't want to assume they won't keep my confidence. i don't want to keep from deeply communicating.

Blessed be the LORD God of Israel; for He hath hath visited and redeemed His people. And hath raised up a horn of salvation for us in the house of His servant David. (Lk 1)

and here is a thought-i am not trustworthy either

God extends grace....and extends grace.....and extends grace......

i fail Him....and fail Him.....and fail Him

i read tuesday that 'no one could hurt God more than we already have'. i tend to think that my sin has levels of offense. sin in my mind or body may not affect others, and therefore in my warped thought i convince myself they aren't as painful to God.

i am in the midst or realizing that God may not find me trustworthy; yet, He continues to pursue me.

i love this photo because i can place myself in either role, small or large. today i'm little, and He is huge. sometimes i think the smaller hand is the one that won't let go-the one clinging with every ounce of being. now i realize the one finger is strong enough to keep the hand in place. neither one is letting go

the fluidity of home...

just got back from what has turned into an annual trip to Mexico. Many things were different the second time around-and some situations remained. The poverty. The sacrificial living. The joy amidst what we consider unlivable situations.
I hurt coming home
I return to comfortable surroundings-they stay there
I return to a clean home-it rains in their bedrooms
I eat when I'm hungry-they eat when they have food
I complain when I'm inconvenienced-they live a joyfully inconvenienced life

I hurt in my human-ness
it won't be long until I rarely think about and even forget that their lives continue in the same manner whether I am with them or not.

has God protected me or them?
I know I am weak. Is it possible that He allows me to live here becuase I wouldn't trust Him there? because my faith would shatter? because I wouldn't have joy?

where is home?
it's such a fluid concept to me in the last year-home. Do I stay? Move? USA? Abroad? Home won't solidify itself until I realize and live in the knowledge that home is not here. Home won't be here. Is it even possible to understand that while you're alive, or does the thought establish itself as you come to the end of human existence? One of multiple questions I wish I could ask Mom.